It's been a few days......

I am learning each day that this experience is all about:

*letting go

*relinquishing control

*surrendering

*resigning myself to be at the mercy of others

*not an easy feat...

Good news is that relinquishing control thus far has worked! My last appointments have deemed no changes! This anti-gravity thing must be just what I needed. Although I certainly wish for days that I could go on parole from this bed rest sentence, I know bail is not an option. I have made it 22 days so far and have at least 40+ days to go. I have not had the conversation with my doc yet, haven't seen him since I was discharged-so not for sure when they will let me for sure be released from bed rest. I am hoping as soon as 36 weeks gets here I will be a free woman! I know my high risk doc said I didn't have to come see him anymore at 34:) Maybe my doc will let me start to do "modified" bed rest then. I know weeks ago I never thought I would get this far. There was some real concern. I realized the seriousness of my condition and how quickly things could change. But I can rest and I can remain calm. I am stable right now so I don't need to worry. As long as I am not having contractions I can relax. I try to focus on the liklihood of making it further and as long as I have faith I can find peace:) Our first goal was at least 28 weeks and now I keep thinking why not 32, 34, 36, or even 38? Those are the magic numbers for me! Tomorrow will be 29 weeks so I am keeping my first goal of 32 in sight! My next appointment will be this coming Monday. They said as long as my measurements stay within that .5mm mark from where my baseline was that I could stay home. As I waited in the waiting room and watched a mother come out with her sons crying because she had to stay my heart sank for her. Some enjoy getting out to go to their appointments...I on the other hand have some anxiety about them knowing I may be traveling in the car to them for the last time. I have become accustomed to bed rest at home and enjoy it soo much better than the hospital. 

Here are some of the pleasures I have grown to appreciate at home and be more aware of:

• memory foam mattress pads are awesome
• sleeping in the same bed as my husband is a treat
• home cooked meals...enough said:)
• Aubrey playing and waking me up in the morning...saying Hi Mommy
• Steven's stress seems to be decreased with me being here
• Decor on the walls..much better than white walls of hospital room
• Big plasma TV in living room and bedroom
• The sounds coming from Keurig coffee maker 

Sure there are things I still miss but trying to focus on these positive things..no matter how ridiculous they sound! I have also realized I'm addicted to pioneer woman and her cooking show! haha... I have a list of things that I want to make when I am off bed rest! I love to cook and miss it terribly. This is probably not the best show to watch while pregnant...luckily I have not been ravenous yet with my food choices but watching her definitely would make even a non preggo hungry:) 

If any of you have any bed rest stories...your own, a friends, etc that you'd like to share for encouragement I'd love to hear them! Goodnight;)

27 Weeks

I survived a full week and a day of strict bed rest. I do not know how...it does seem like it went quickly. That doesn't make any sense either since the days are endlessly long. It is a relief to have reached another milestone. I pray we can continue! Today I did feel like I could have a breakdown. I just wanted to be done. I really feel weak today and I need prayers for strength to continue this painful thing called bed rest. I will blame my emotions on hormones because clearly I am so lucky to still be pregnant. Since being on bed rest I have experienced "finally" all of those pregnancy symptoms that I have never had to experience..heartburn, reflux, bloating...the list goes on. I don't know who said pregnancy was a beautiful thing! Definitely not when you have complications.  I have had lots of visitors this past week which has made the time pass even faster. It is so nice to have such sweet friends! They have brought me all kinds of goodies! Who knew a girl would get so excited over nail polish:) My husband has been good about using the technology to allow me to be included in routines at our house. Thanks to FaceTime I get to watch Aubrey during bath/bedtime, and even got to share "breakfast" with her one day. We really thought she was going to have to go to daycare this week--which was incredibly hard to swallow. Aubrey has been my job and I knew it was necessary but was still not settled on it. Prayers have been answered though and it looks like we have some friends who can watch her and keep her until I've served my "sentence". I am anxiously awaiting my appointment on Monday with my Perinatologist to see what my status is. Nurses I work with told me to be prepared to be readmitted. I am not ready for that:/ Really don't want to go back unless it is imminent. It has been so nice to not be in the hospital. I can't even imagine how many times I would've cried had I stayed. So that is how you can be praying...that there will be no changes or be even better on Monday. That would be encouraging and could maybe get me through another week of bed rest. Well I don't really have any more news..pretty boring around here which is good. I will survive..one..day...at....a...time!

Bed rest...anything but restful!

Today marks 5 days of bed rest! I have survived almost a full week...seems like it has been a lot longer. Time seems to cease. I can barely remember what day it is, much less when my next appointment is. Feel like I'm losing brain cells fast! Better get started on some word puzzles or something to keep my mind engaged. I've honestly been too tired to do much but can't sleep either. I have found that bed rest is far from what it is called. It can be stressful...I worry about my health, babies, health, and own obligations that I'm not filling. Friends and family have been amazing so far. I really feel bad that I have no control over anything right now other than bossing others around on what to do from my bed. You feel so helpless on bed rest. That is a good way to describe it. Like your on disability and can't move. My sprits are up though and feel the stress minimizing daily as I have friends and family who are helping keep my life on even keel for this present time. This is a time for me to learn a control lesson. Feel like I've learned this one before but obviously it hasn't been refined.... I wan't to say No, God..this is not what I signed up for and I'll take it from here. Instead I think He wants to empty my life but make it fuller at the same time. Well to catch everyone up to date  , I met with the perinatologist on Sunday. It was my first visit with him and I was hoping...just "maybe" he had a better answer to give up after our ultrasound  with him...but instead it was worse. I had gone in the wrong direction per se since sitting in the hospital on bed rest since Thursday! Great!! Basically with this baby we are more aware of and have been watching me closer and it is like a rock going down a hill fast...last time with Aubrey we weren't prepared and it rolled down anyway but this time we are trying to push it back up with resistance. Have done everything else so this is last step. I pray that getting good "bed rest" will actually help and slow this train down. At only 26 and 3 days I know Allie needs some more time to bake. I'm also out of control in some ways because I can only do so much. There is that word control again :)   With preterm...they are likely to come when they are going to come. Can try to stop it though. I'm going to ask that everyone pray! God is more powerful than any statistic that I'll deliver early. I can do this:) With that being said...I knew rest and not stressing out were essential. Especially after seeing I had only gotten worse from being in the hospital I decided to ask my doctor this morning about home bed rest. A HUGE risk to take... but luckily he was confident in me to be compliant with extremely strict bed rest at home. This alone I hope and think will help. He said most people think bed rest is only ONE trip to walmart a day lol. I knew that this is serious business. It has to be! The only place I'll see will be from laying down unless I'm up for shower and bathroom and my appointment with specialist. I feel like I"m walking around on ice even at those times. Since getting released today I have slept better than I ever have. The mattresses at the hospital are made I think for camping trips haha. I was certain I would get a no when I asked but  I had a good discussion on pros and cons for trying it and He was willing and open when he realized we would have a place to stay that would be conducive to rest. (and that isn't my house)..My wonderful in-laws who live very close by have so graciously let me basically 'move in'...so I am not tempted to do anything...its a fantastic plan. I don't rest well by my nature so not being at my house with my messes to see..not obligated to do a thing, but yet feel more comfortable already and much more relaxed. This has got to count for something when it comes to keeping her in...keep my stress down should help her as well. So just so everyone knows although I'm out of the hospital, I am still supposed to be doing everything like I would as if I was there, he is taking into account that I'm an educated person who can come right back if I am having any issues. Well, I just wanted to keep everyone informed. I opened a Facebook page as well so can keep everyone in the loop of what is going on and how to pray. We will have calendars out for sign up for meals, childcare, etc. I am feeling so overwhelmed how God is providing right now. We are good on dinners and everything right now since family will be out of school on break for a few weeks:) So just be watching for calendars, didn't want to refuse help but we will wait until we really need it to ask for meals. Thank you all in advance for your prayers, support, and encouragement through this. It's hard to think I could have 7-8 more weeks of this, but I will find strength one day at a time. Now..time for sleep.

26 weeks

Well, I have survived a whole 3 days so far of hospital bed rest... only 8 weeks to go! I plan to keep a journal of my exciting adventures! I know one day I will want to look back and read my thoughts and experiences from this difficult time in my life. Here is a recap of my stay so far...

Day 1- The first day was shaky. I went to the ultrasound appointment thinking I would just get checked out and would get to go home and hang out with my sister and niece the rest of the day..We had planned on doing fun things like go to mud hut etc....But the moment when the ultrasound tech told me to step out for a minute (yet didn't give me my ticket to check out)...I knew something was wrong. I already called Steven and told him to prepare to meet me in Longview asap. Little did I know I wouldn't just be going to the doctors office..oh no..I was told to go check in at the E.R. Lovely! When I finally got up to a room my OB came to see me and check me out himself. Luckily I have had no contractions that I can feel but...I apparently can change without them. I can change very quickly without knowing and worst part is just being on feet can create enough pressure to cause a change. At least that is what we are thinking at the moment. So bed rest is in order for me. Not what I wanted to hear but know that everyday is so important for my little Allie. I managed well the first day and felt at peace for the most part considering what was going on.

Day 2-I was still in an L&D room because where I was moving to was full.. it was a huge room but did not have a window..it was killing me! Needed to see out:) They worked on getting me a room all day. Doctor came by to see me first thing in the morning and as far as he could tell no changes but wanted perinatologist (high risk doctor) to see me..but they only come to Longview on certain days so I have to wait till Sunday to hear their opinion. He certainly did not want to keep me in hospital but thinks I will not truly rest at home and we have done everything else possible in this pregnancy to keep from having a preemie. He said if specialist thinks I can manage case at home than he certainly won't keep me...Steven told me not to get hopes up though and plan to be in hospital for the long haul:( He already was planing on me having to be here entire pregnancy. He was mentally prepared but was I? No! lol In back of my mind I keep wondering why am I here, why can't I just sit at home? But with my condition I can change fast and not know it so I get it...but I am hard headed and don't want to hear it:/ I had some visitors throughout the day and have figured out that when visitors come it does help pass the time! Give me contact with outside world besides Facebook:) Little more personal for sure;) It did hit me though that I would likely be here awhile and how much I missed my sweet Aubrey. I would be fine one minute and the next I was sobbing. I did get pics throughout day from a friend who so generously kept her for us on such short notice. It helped to see her happy but was certainly upset that I felt like I was missing out. I have worked with her, put her in MDO, and done all these things that you would think make leaving her easy but those are all so temporary. I am typically with her most of her days and my momma's heart was broken. I felt like I was missing the best of her days and getting the left overs. I feel for mommas that work full time. I am sure this is what it would be like in a way but at least they get to go home at night to their babies and tuck them in and read a story to their sweet ones. I feared for how we would manage her care in my absence. This did happen at a semi good time though. We have her Auntie and her grandparents who get a christmas break and will be able to help with her for the next month or so. After that I worried...I let fear creep in my thoughts although I've had several say they would help it was hard to accept being the one who needs help. I am such a "do-er". I like to be the one helping. Guess that is part of my nature as a nurse, teacher, mother, etc. I have to sit back and trust that she will be in good hands and not remember a bit of this when it's over. It is certainly harder on me than her it seems. I just don't want her to forget who her "mommy" is. I'm sure I'll have a time with her when it comes time for me to step back into role of mommy for her. She will definitely be spoiled and thats okay:) Just don't want her to have discipline issues for those to will help us out. She is such a go with the flow type kid so perhaps not. I have to trust that God has her in his hands and he will take care of her emotionally right now. TRUST...that is a hard word to swallow right now.By the end of the day I was moved to a room with a window! It was small.....very small but seems to be my home for the next few months. (more to come on that)

Day 3- I woke up feeling pretty lonely. I missed my husband terribly. Decided to do some reading in my new book called One Thousand Gifts. Such a good read so far!! It helped take the focus on my circumstances when I read about someone else's trials in this book. The author made such a good point that when man entered Eden and sinned we could no longer see the good in things. We saw the bad and that hit home with my situation currently. I felt like there is good in this, Allie is right where she needs to be in her mommy's womb, safe, but yet all I could see was the bad! My eyes have been blinded to what is good. It's our nature to always see the worst and have to really focus on the good and the unseen. After reading this the midwife came by to see me. Finally someone gave me a timeline...she said it was likely that I'd have to say 8 weeks or so until I hit 34 weeks. Baby would still be preterm then but late preterm if decided to come but that I'd have to wait it out that long until I'm in the safer zone per se. 8 WEEKS rang in my head, immediately I was being attacked with downward thoughts. How am I going to sit in this place for 8 weeks. After getting my crying out I am trying remain positive. I still have yet to see perinatologist. Midwife said maybe..just maybe I can plead case and argument that I can bed rest at home since I have been a nurse and know what to watch for and live pretty close to hospital if I needed to get there fast. Maybe I can work something out.. but it will depend on what my measurements are tomorrow morning. Midwife thinks they could just keep me on basis of having positive ffn (test to see if your likely to have preemie) and although its positive could mean you will deliver in two weeks...or you could carry to term. It is such a unreliable test if positive. Had it been negative it would have been a definite answer that I would be highly unlikely to deliver anytime soon. So frustrating..thats a good word to use for this. I pray that I can make it through this sane on the other side. Keep the prayers coming and I'll keep everyone posted. Pray that I can do bed rest at home though and at least feel someone apart of Aubrey's life. Well highlight of my day is here..dinner lol:)

Progress

Today marks my 3rd week post op from knee surgery! I feel like I am a completely different person from just 3 weeks ago after my surgery. I was hopeful but did not know what I had in store with this recovery nor how long it would take. I have seen my therapist for two weeks now and she is optimistic that I will only have a 4-6 week recovery. The doctor had initially told me that it is going to depend on my muscles and that I am not in control.. other than to do what I am told:) Which I have... and just this week I ditched the brace except at night when I sleep and ditched the crutch. Hopefully the Dr. will be okay with that next week when I have my follow up!! Now, I do not walk fast..but it is getting better. I compare it to having braces. It has a strange feeling to it...like it is not my own knee. I guess it will either get better or I will get used to it like braces. After I have been sitting for awhile it gets real stiff too and then I have to loosen it back up. I see major improvement though since my procedure. This is a marathon rehab and not a sprint..I have to remember that! Yesterday I went walking with Aubrey though and the whole time I was thinking praise the Lord that I can do this! Now, I got lapped a few times by an older man but hey...I was moving! I could not have done that last week or even at the beg of this week. I just wanted to sing bless the Lord oh my soul!!! I was beaming with joy that I could walk and enjoy the outdoors. My therapist said I would not hurt it doing so, so I thought a slow pace couldn't hurt! It just made me realize what we take for granted before something happens to us. I forever will be changed by this experience and will hopefully cherish each moment. Things I am not doing yet...kneeling or getting down on the floor. Little difficult with a 7 month old but we are making it! My husband has been gracious to do all of the baths:) I think I will be able to eventually, but it is going to take time. I am happy to see the progress I have made though and look forward to each therapy session!

Lateral Release: debriefing

Well I guess you can say I have always known that this was coming--knee surgery. Ultimately, I was trying to put it off as long as possible but the time has come where I had to do something about my bad knees now. I have always had a problem where I would feel my knee cap twist out to the side of my knee...gross I know! It's happened since I can remember off and on. Usually on wet surfaces or uneven surfaces. I would usually fall to the ground in complete despair and pain....no one really knew what happened other than they see me crying and I shake if off and I am back up in 30 seconds. I have learned to manage it though and would just always be careful. I took therapy in the summer of 2011 to strengthen the muscles that help hold knee cap in the groove...it helped some but never fully took away the problem which is bad alignment that I was born with:) I always think of Lady Gaga's song..." I was born this way". I did get confident though with the help of my therapist to start working out and running some with the use of KTape! Best stuff ever:) It got a lot of publicity from the olympics this year.  It provided the support I needed to carry out activities but once again....would never "fix" the problem of my constant subluxations/dislocations. What finally made me realize that I had to try something else or it will never get better is when I was carrying my daughter (who is 6 months) and something bumped my knee and it subluxed and brought me and her to the ground. Luckily...she was in her carrier at the time so she was safe..but I was in tears for my pain and thanking God that she was okay. I knew that I could not let this go on any longer...she is only going to get more mobile and I need to be able to get around without fear of my knee going out. I saw a orthopedic dr (same one that gave me therapy that summer of 2011). He said...it was time for surgery. He said they would do a lateral release and it would fix my problem and that is it...simple. Well I knew it couldn't be that simple. Knee surgery and simple do not go together!! I decided to get a second opinion when I found out they only do two surgeries a year like this particular one in Longview. (this is apparently a rare condition that I have). I went to the Carrell Clinic who was recommended to me by a friend. They operate on a lot of athletes such as Dallas Cowboys and SMU athletes in the area. I felt more confident in that they have done a few more of these procedures called a lateral release. He was positive that this is the procedure that I needed however..he also knew that it doesn't always just fix the problem. He was aware of other issues that could arise and I have to be open and willing for him to do more (as in open surgery) vs with the scope.

What is a lateral release?
The most common of these proximal realignment procedures is the 'lateral release' (also called 'lateral retinacular release').
Lateral release done for the right indications and done in the correct way may offer patients a significant improvement in their symptoms.
But done the wrong way or, more importantly, for the wrong reasons - and the procedure can be the beginning of a nightmare scenario for the patient, the physiotherapist and the surgeon.
Lateral Release
A lateral release is a surgical procedure where tight structures to the outer side of the kneecap (patella), when they are causing the patella to tilt abnormally, are cut to allow the kneecap to assume a better position. The cut is an inch or more from top to bottom.
The procedure can be done in different ways - from inside the knee as part of an arthroscopy (keyhole surgery) or from the outside via a small cut (incision).
What is cut is the 'lateral retinaculum', a fibrous support on the outer side of the kneecap, but some other structures may also be cut at the surgeon's discretion if the release needs to be more extensive.


When I learned that I would need surgery for certain, I read everything I could online about this procedure. Big mistake!! I read so many bad reviews....with a few good. I read so many things about how this surgery made their knee worse. That was the last thing I wanted...I almost thought about canceling my surgery and living with a painful, unstable knee forever. My husband reminded me that only people with bad outcomes post this kind of stuff...so maybe he is right! I hope that by doing this blog I can encourage someone and hopefully have a better outcome than what I had read before surgery. I finally called my surgeons P.A. in tears basically asking her a bunch of what if questions....I know she had to be tired of me..but I wanted to know everything I could. She basically put it into the terms I needed to hear in order to go through with this..she said it wasn't going to get any better if I don't do something about it. It is a quality of life issue..do I want to live the rest of my life afraid that my knee will pop out of place or do something to try to make it better..so I decided to take the plunge. 

I have learned a lot about my faith through this surgery. I have had to rely on others and God to get me through since I have such a young child at home. I am NOT in control. Through my neediness though I have seen what is really important in life. It has made me more thankful and has built up my trust in God. I had to take this step of faith...and know that He will bring me through this! There are going to be days of extreme weakness but I can't live in fear..I have to have faith! I love the song by Kutless..What Faith Can Do. It says..impossible is not a word..its just a reason for someone not to try. I decided that I had to try..:)


I am one week out from surgery and seem to be doing well. I can not walk without one crutch only because I have to wear an immobilizer when I'm up so I use it for balance...because I have to walk with a peg leg walk. I have started some therapy exercises at home. Ouch! I am working on bending my knee..that is my weakness. I can get it to about 90 degrees (sometimes) and it is sooo stiff. Know that with time it will get better. I already feel stronger than one week ago. I will continue therapy at Good Shepherd and travel to Dallas for follow up appointments. Lets hope that by my next appt I will get to lose the brace and walk without it...That is my goal! I do see myself at least biking again but DO NOT care if I ever run again! It's not that important to me..as long as I am healthy and have a stronger knee!