26 weeks

Well, I have survived a whole 3 days so far of hospital bed rest... only 8 weeks to go! I plan to keep a journal of my exciting adventures! I know one day I will want to look back and read my thoughts and experiences from this difficult time in my life. Here is a recap of my stay so far...

Day 1- The first day was shaky. I went to the ultrasound appointment thinking I would just get checked out and would get to go home and hang out with my sister and niece the rest of the day..We had planned on doing fun things like go to mud hut etc....But the moment when the ultrasound tech told me to step out for a minute (yet didn't give me my ticket to check out)...I knew something was wrong. I already called Steven and told him to prepare to meet me in Longview asap. Little did I know I wouldn't just be going to the doctors office..oh no..I was told to go check in at the E.R. Lovely! When I finally got up to a room my OB came to see me and check me out himself. Luckily I have had no contractions that I can feel but...I apparently can change without them. I can change very quickly without knowing and worst part is just being on feet can create enough pressure to cause a change. At least that is what we are thinking at the moment. So bed rest is in order for me. Not what I wanted to hear but know that everyday is so important for my little Allie. I managed well the first day and felt at peace for the most part considering what was going on.

Day 2-I was still in an L&D room because where I was moving to was full.. it was a huge room but did not have a window..it was killing me! Needed to see out:) They worked on getting me a room all day. Doctor came by to see me first thing in the morning and as far as he could tell no changes but wanted perinatologist (high risk doctor) to see me..but they only come to Longview on certain days so I have to wait till Sunday to hear their opinion. He certainly did not want to keep me in hospital but thinks I will not truly rest at home and we have done everything else possible in this pregnancy to keep from having a preemie. He said if specialist thinks I can manage case at home than he certainly won't keep me...Steven told me not to get hopes up though and plan to be in hospital for the long haul:( He already was planing on me having to be here entire pregnancy. He was mentally prepared but was I? No! lol In back of my mind I keep wondering why am I here, why can't I just sit at home? But with my condition I can change fast and not know it so I get it...but I am hard headed and don't want to hear it:/ I had some visitors throughout the day and have figured out that when visitors come it does help pass the time! Give me contact with outside world besides Facebook:) Little more personal for sure;) It did hit me though that I would likely be here awhile and how much I missed my sweet Aubrey. I would be fine one minute and the next I was sobbing. I did get pics throughout day from a friend who so generously kept her for us on such short notice. It helped to see her happy but was certainly upset that I felt like I was missing out. I have worked with her, put her in MDO, and done all these things that you would think make leaving her easy but those are all so temporary. I am typically with her most of her days and my momma's heart was broken. I felt like I was missing the best of her days and getting the left overs. I feel for mommas that work full time. I am sure this is what it would be like in a way but at least they get to go home at night to their babies and tuck them in and read a story to their sweet ones. I feared for how we would manage her care in my absence. This did happen at a semi good time though. We have her Auntie and her grandparents who get a christmas break and will be able to help with her for the next month or so. After that I worried...I let fear creep in my thoughts although I've had several say they would help it was hard to accept being the one who needs help. I am such a "do-er". I like to be the one helping. Guess that is part of my nature as a nurse, teacher, mother, etc. I have to sit back and trust that she will be in good hands and not remember a bit of this when it's over. It is certainly harder on me than her it seems. I just don't want her to forget who her "mommy" is. I'm sure I'll have a time with her when it comes time for me to step back into role of mommy for her. She will definitely be spoiled and thats okay:) Just don't want her to have discipline issues for those to will help us out. She is such a go with the flow type kid so perhaps not. I have to trust that God has her in his hands and he will take care of her emotionally right now. TRUST...that is a hard word to swallow right now.By the end of the day I was moved to a room with a window! It was small.....very small but seems to be my home for the next few months. (more to come on that)

Day 3- I woke up feeling pretty lonely. I missed my husband terribly. Decided to do some reading in my new book called One Thousand Gifts. Such a good read so far!! It helped take the focus on my circumstances when I read about someone else's trials in this book. The author made such a good point that when man entered Eden and sinned we could no longer see the good in things. We saw the bad and that hit home with my situation currently. I felt like there is good in this, Allie is right where she needs to be in her mommy's womb, safe, but yet all I could see was the bad! My eyes have been blinded to what is good. It's our nature to always see the worst and have to really focus on the good and the unseen. After reading this the midwife came by to see me. Finally someone gave me a timeline...she said it was likely that I'd have to say 8 weeks or so until I hit 34 weeks. Baby would still be preterm then but late preterm if decided to come but that I'd have to wait it out that long until I'm in the safer zone per se. 8 WEEKS rang in my head, immediately I was being attacked with downward thoughts. How am I going to sit in this place for 8 weeks. After getting my crying out I am trying remain positive. I still have yet to see perinatologist. Midwife said maybe..just maybe I can plead case and argument that I can bed rest at home since I have been a nurse and know what to watch for and live pretty close to hospital if I needed to get there fast. Maybe I can work something out.. but it will depend on what my measurements are tomorrow morning. Midwife thinks they could just keep me on basis of having positive ffn (test to see if your likely to have preemie) and although its positive could mean you will deliver in two weeks...or you could carry to term. It is such a unreliable test if positive. Had it been negative it would have been a definite answer that I would be highly unlikely to deliver anytime soon. So frustrating..thats a good word to use for this. I pray that I can make it through this sane on the other side. Keep the prayers coming and I'll keep everyone posted. Pray that I can do bed rest at home though and at least feel someone apart of Aubrey's life. Well highlight of my day is here..dinner lol:)